Drowning in the sea of hopelessness

Most days I manage to cling desperately to the hope that I will find a job soon, and that I will not be stuck in this hopeless hell that it unemployment and poverty for much longer.

Then on the occasional day, I just feel like I am drowning, sinking deeper into a sea of hopelessness.

The crushing (perceived) reality that I will never find a job, that I will never escape from this hell, that I will always be stuck in a cycle of poverty and hopelessness overwhelms me.

The only time in my life that I have felt this lack of hope, this level of helplessness and loneliness was when I was bullied at school.

I hate the lack of control that I have over my life.

I hate the constant worry about being able to afford to pay the bills, buy food and electric.

I hate the isolation and loneliness, for the first time in my life, I crave human contact, conversations with work colleagues about random shit, the smile from another commuter on their way to work.

I know these feeling will pass, I know deep down that I will get a job, I know that this is not forever, but right now it feels like I will be stuck here in this hell forever. I start to wonder what I did to deserve this, am I being punished for something I did?

Sometimes it feels like people, friends and family avoid me, so as to avoid catching the leprosy that is unemployment. I know this isn't true, but when you don't have to money to meet up for a drink, and when every you invite people to your house for a get together, they are busy with work or other social engagements, it starts to feel like it.

I don't know how much longer I can cope with unemployment, these waves of melancholy are becoming more frequent, and are lasting longer every time they hit. I dread the day when it is no longer waves but a permanent state of hopelessness and depressing. I worry that if I am unemployed for much longer, that I will need to be that spaced out on anti-depressants just to cope with day to day life, that I will be in no fit state to hold down a full time job.